все в порядке

Hello, world! Long time no write... Life seemed too awesome to spend time writing about it, and when it wasn't that awesome, I would have hated to complain.

Things are going well. That someone I met last year during Spring, Alex - he is my fantastic boyfriend. He is everything I was looking for. We moved in together in the 11th district in Buda, so I cross the river to Pest every morning and the view makes me think that I never want to leave this city.

The job... Well, I quit. I almost quit a year ago because I was unhappy with the agency, but then I got a superb assignment - an assignment I could learn tons from, but which drained me dry completely. So, I started looking for a new job and I started working at another company 2 weeks ago. I do the exact same thing as in the past year, but the difference is huge and when Alex asks me in the evening about how the day was, I finally answer 'good'.

I started training again. I haven't done sports since I left AC but I joined a gym close by in December and I can really feel the difference. And I'm very proud of my biceps.

I started learning Russian. English, French and Spanish were a lot easier... But I'm not giving up - I have Alex as my motivation.

So... все в порядке :)

Someone

I met someone very nice recently :) I was looking for Customer Service Team Leaders, I found a CV and invited the guy for an interview. There was obviously good chemistry during our conversation, and the fact that it was Friday evening helped a lot, because I was quite unfocused and we were quite casual. Since then, I basically did everything I could to show that I am approachable... and finally, he asked me out for a coffee. We had our third date yesterday (from 4 pm to midnight) and it was great.  He is smart, charismatic and has a very good sense of humour. And he seems to like me, too. So, it's promising :)

The past month

I could start each post of mine with „I'm back”. (I am sorry; I am a sloppy blogger...) Well, I am actually back now because I've been travelling a lot lately.

First, I spent Easter in Italy with a friend and his girlfriend who moved to the Lago Maggiore from Amsterdam. It was the second time I visited them this year as I also spent a week there in March, helping Marcel with his studies. It was surprisingly refreshing to do something else than what I usually do and make my brain cells work on different problems. And, besides the studying, we were of course enjoying some good Italian wine and food. They were great partners in drinking and a very nice company to spend time with in general. Ah, I'm in love with Italian food...

Then, next weekend was the selection weekend for the 2012-2014 UWC scholarships for the Hungarian applicants. As always, the last round consisted of 16 nominees and as always, it took place in Csillebérc. The weekend is always very taxing because you have to pay attention to the candidates all the time, from morning until the evening, literally, and then we also try to have some fun Saturday night ourselves, which makes getting up the next day quite difficult. At least, this year I filled up on energy drinks for the two days, and buying those two cans early Saturday morning (I left my apartment at 7) was the best decision I could take. The decision making was as smooth as it could be and even though I was very disappointed that my personal favorite did not get a scholarship, I was fairly satisfied with the outcome. Szekér more or less shared my feelings and he said that if we were making a list of 'who should some very good thing happen to', then this guy would also lead his list, but unfortunately, we were making another list... Anyway, it was a good weekend, it was nice to see everyone again. Naturally, I was as exhausted as I could be, it was the second weekend in a row of not having any rest.

Then, next weekend we went to Cracow with a group of friends to visit Justy, who was originally part of our team but moved back to Poland. As expected, Yoel was late in the morning, Miki was hungover, so we had a slow start to our 7-hour trip by car. Ádám was driving and we made a couple of short stops. In the first two hours, I was laughing so much that my stomach started to hurt... Then, having 4 guys in the car, I listened to many stories about picking up girls, even some stories involving hookers, and even though we didn't drink at all, we must have looked like a bunch of drunkards from the outside. Anyway, eventually we arrived to Justy's place and then we looked like a bunch of campers in Justy's small apartment with all our sleeping bags and stuff on the floor. We spent the 1,5 days we had in Cracow talking, catching up, drinking, eating, exploring the city, drinking more... We ended up in a gay party as our last stop during our last night, where Justy, Miki, Yoel and I were shaking it for 1,5 hours on the dancefloor, while poor Ádám and Gergő were sitting on a couch – I think doing nothing. The trip back was less lively, but it was a nice weekend in general :)

Then, this weekend (which was a long weekend due to a national holiday) I went to the Bakony (the hilly area above the Balaton) with a large group of co-years from my high-school and spent 3 days in a holiday house doing the normal routine: catching up, drinking, eating and exloring the surroundings. One of the highlights of the weekend was that 2 guys were coming straight from a Pick Up Artist workshop and we had hours of fun teasing them and laughing at the study materials that they were given, especially a book containing sample SMSs that you can use to pick up girls. My favorite one went something like this: „After our honeymoon, I will bury you in the ground only halfway so that I can have seconds later”. WTF??? Anyway, we went to an adventure park the second day, where we spent at least 2 hours on a path where we had to climb ropes hung across trees and even though we were secured all the time, I have to admit that I was very scared of the height at times. We spent another couple of hours doing other fun stuff and we finished off the day with some home made paprikás krumpli and some wine. The last day, we stopped at the Velencei Lake and hang out at the beach but I wasn't brave enough to go into the water. Well, hardly anyone was.

So, these were the weekends. Other then this, there is only friends and work in my life. I start at 8 and finish around 7 way too often. A Jamie Cullum song says „don't make me live for my Friday nights”, but slowly and surely I am getting there: it is the thought of the weekend that makes me survive the whole week. I used to love working for RA, but in the past months, a lot of things changed and the atmosphere is becoming worse and worse. The economic situation does not help either but it's not only that; it is the internal pressure that is mounting to an unbearable degree. Although it is not stated openly, „megszoksz vagy megszöksz” seems to be the policy, a new direction is taken by the management and that is not going to change, and many people have had enough of all the KPIs that we have to deliver. One morning, I actually said out loud in front of my whole team, including my TL (replying to a statement made by a teammate) that „if I wanted to work in a Shared Service Center, I would have applied to a SSC”... So, things are far from perfect.

I'm back!

I'm back!

A very inspiring person once said that if there is an elephant in the room, you better introduce it to your audience. So there we go: Jani and I broke up.

At a certain point, it was impossible to continue. I was losing my hair at a worrying speed, my ekczema covered half my calf, I had insomnia (I am actually the best sleeper I've ever heard of) and I was so anxious most of the time I felt that I could start crying at any moment. So, three weeks before Christmas, I decided to end it and it took me one week to carry it out, so I moved out two weeks before Christmas. I guess this was to be expected. I don't think I need to say anything about how difficult it was.

It's already been more than 3 months since I moved out and it's been getting better. I've been busy with my work, getting involved in some new projects, also starting to do sales besides recruitment. I also got two new clients, which means I have 4 major clients as Account Manager, which is quite a bit. I work a lot. No reason to go home at 6, after all, no one is expecting me at home. I'm often in the office until 8, except when I agree with friends to meet up for a drink or two. Or more. Irma expressed a concern about the fact that I often drink myself into a mid-comatose state, but I would describe that as part of the recovery process.

I've made a nice group of friends who are related to The Client: Yoel and Gergő are still working there in the HR department, Justy has given her notice, Miki started working for another client (funnily, he became my contact person there) and Ádám is a Consultant at one of our biggest competitors. It's a very cool group of people and it's a shame that we're gonna lose Justy as she's going home to Poland. Anyway, we already have our trip to Crakow arranged to visit her in April! I also started to go to gatherings (or rather house parties) organized by my former co-years from high school. That's also a nice bunch of people who like to eat and drink as much as I do. I also have trips planned to Italy, Germany, Poland and the Netherlands.

I think I'm on the right track.

A wedding, a bouquet, an excursion and what's next?

I attended the wedding of one of my colleagues and this was the first 'real' wedding I've ever been to. (I've also been to the wedding of my mother and Béla bácsi and I was the bartender at a wedding party - none of which I would qualify as 'real'.) Orsi and her husband-to-be have been together for 10 years, so I'd say it was reasonable to decide what they wanted in the long run. The venue was the Castle Hill, an old chapel in the Historical Museum of Budapest. They didn't have a religious ceremony, so it was all quite simple: they were both asked whether they wanted to marry each other, they both said yes, signed the book, then the witnesses signed the book and that was it. Then, we gathered in the courtyard to congratulate the couple, have a glass of (alcohol-free!?) champagne, talk and shiver in the cold.

Of course, a wedding is not a wedding without the bride's bouquet being thrown, so once the organizer repeatedly asked all girls to move to the center, I walked there with a bunch of my colleagues and some other unknown female individuals. Orsi turned around and threw the flowers, which landed in my hands. Not catching them would not have been as option as the roses would probably have hit my face if I did not reach for them; there was literally no escape, I was the target and I had to accept my faith and save myself from the shame of being hit on the head by a bouquet of flowers. So, I caught the bouquet.

Two weekends ago, Jani and I did our usual annual excursion in the Pilis - for the fourth time. Within the first month after we got to know each other, he proposed to climb a mountain in the Pilis. He said that he had been watching that mountain for the past 10 years, but he has never known anyone whom to climb it with. The moment I saw it, I understood. It was freakin' steep. But it was time to prove my worth and I said okay, let's do it. It was early September, it was still very hot, and the side of the mountain was full of ladybirds, hundreds, thousands of them. We brought some sausages, onions, made a fire on top of the peak and roasted the sausages. It was a fabulous day. That was when we decided that we should do this every year, and we have done so ever since.

This is what the peak looks like from the road.

So, this is why we packed up some sausages, tomatos, onions, cheese and bread and drove to the Pilis again. And the funniest thing happened. We accidentally started climbing another mountain. Once you get close enough to the mountain, it is steep enough not to see whether you are at the right place, and this time, we climbed the neighbouring peak. It was not a lesser challenge, however, and by the time we arrived proudly to the top, I stripped myself of 2 pullovers (and got a cold, of course). We collected some dry wood, quickly built a fireplace, spread a sheet on the grass and just lay there in the sun. I even fell asleep for 20 minutes. Then, we got up and made our food.

The lazy way to roast sausages.

And the view from the peak.

Since last year, I have been extremely nervous to start descending on time, because last year we left too late and it was horrifying to climb down in the dark. I was scared to slip, which I did, by the way, but luckily, I only got a huge bruise. See, there are no roads or paths on these mountains and falling would mean major wounds, which are understandably not the most appealing things to look forward to. So, having finished our meal, we looked for a patch that was still sunny, spread our sheet on the ground and lay there for another twenty minutes, enjoying the sun. And then we descended. It was lovely day again.

So, what do we have here? I bouquet from a wedding, a sweet day together, lots of bad stuff from the past months... At least, now we are talking about what we do and do not want and where we are heading. Unfortunately, just like when seeing a couple's therapist, the side effect of talking might be the end. We are figuring it out.

On-Site again

I am on-site again, working in the office of The Client. This time I have some proper responsibilities and I do not feel like a minion. I am in direct contact with the TLs and the management, I can arrange the interviews myself and I can talk to the decision makers about the candidates and get direct feedback from them. So, I am taking a 2-week 'holiday' not as a Researcher but as a Corporate Recruiter. I even have my own room, which is a little accident, but still, I have a nice and small room next to the interview rooms, I have an enormous window and the sun shines in every morning. It's nice.

Most Recruiters who work for agencies have a dream of becoming a Corporate Recruiter one day. I might have this dream in a couple of years, who knows, but I don't think people really see what a struggle this is. I mean, I think it is more difficult and quite stressful to work for an agency, because your success is evaluated based on the amount of money you generate for the agency, amongst other things, but this being most important. There is lots of pressure on being good at what you are doing, handling key accounts, making candidates happy, collaborating with other Consultants, etc. But as long as you perform and most stakeholders are happy, you have relative freedom. And in the case of mission impossible types of assignment, it's great if you solve them, but you are protected if you don't. You get sh*t from clients at times, but that can be handled. And you choose which clients and which positions to focus on. If you are good, it's valued.

When you work for a corporate giant, escalations come into the picture. That's a bitch. After a while, even God knows that you cannot fill a position and everybody is looking for what you are doing wrong. Then, you have to chase TLs and managers for feedback on the interviews, they disappear for hours, you leave messages, then they don't answer etc. That sucks. If you fill a position, it's not appreciated, it's just how things should go. But if you don't fill one... well, you better fill them all.

The bottom line is that in corporates, Recruiters are just support staff who make sure that there are always enough people (and hopefully the right ones) on board. They are like other back office employees, like colleagues in the finance or administration departments. But in agencies, we do core business. The success of the firm is our success, or maybe the other way around. And in some way, I take pride in that.

Is there something about meeting someone too early?

Jani is working, which means that we got up at a decent time even though it's Sunday. I have two hours to be alone and do things that I generally like to do when I'm alone. Listening to Jamie Cullum or Stereophonics, for example, and read.

Something has been on my mind in the last couple of days. Is there really something about meeting someone too early? Patvaros - my first ever 'boyfriend' and the partner in my first kiss - had his birthday this Friday and he invited lots of people from our high school to join him at the opening party of his faculty. I called him on Wednesday to tell him I was going and before we hung up, I had said that I would call him or his girlfriend (who was also in our year) if I did not manage to find them in the crowd. Emese?, he asked. Emese, I replied. We broke up like a month ago, he said. Then a couple of sentences on the lines of "I don't believe it" and "you must be joking" followed.

They have been together for 4.5 years, meaning that they got together at the age of 21. Sure, there are couples that get together at the age of 20 and get married and start a family etc. I haven't read any statistics about whether they stay together and split up after a couple of years or more. My grandma met my grandfather at the age of 15, or so I assume because she gave birth to my father at the age of 16, but that's a totally different generation. With Peti and Emese splitting up, the one but last such couple in my surroundings broke up. The last one is Nadia and Urtah, an Indonesian couple, who have been together since the first year of AC (the age of 17) and got married this year, but they are from a very different culture. It seems that in my immediate surroundings and my culture, my generation fails in relationships, which started in the beginning of their twenties.

Is that because we hadn't seen enough before we got into these relationships? Is it because we are overly curious about what it might be like with someone else and fail to recognize the value of our current relationship? Do our parents fail to teach us that you can have a crush on someone else while being with your loved one and this is something that is quite unavoidable and that staying with someone is a decision and not a question of a crush? (Thanks, Joram's mom, for replacing mine for that night.) Or do we make the wrong choices in terms of chosing our partner at that age and even if we met years later, it wouldn't work out? Interestingly, one of my colleagues, Nóra married the guy whom she went out with at the age of 20 for two years, then they broke up for 3 years and now they are married. And later, do we only hold on to someone because we are scared of being alone? Or because we do not want to lose all the effort that we have put into the relationship, and we rather make the compromises we have to?

Are all relationships that start at the beginning of our twenties doomed? (Hm, or are all relationships doomed?)

A nice evening and the rest

It's 9 pm and I'm at home alone, so I decided I should do something nice. First I thought of running. Nah. Then, I thought I should watch an episode of True Blood. Nah, it's becoming worse and worse... I should read the book I started to read over the weekend. Maybe. Or I should write a post! So here I am.

Saturday, I started the evening with Sali in the Ráday street, talking, drinking sangría, eating Belgian fries and smoking sheesha, which was absolutely lovely. We've known each other for 13 years and at this moment that is half my lifetime. We even have our own vocabulary. We are never out of topics to discuss, and if we are, silence doesn't get weird. It is completely comfortable.

As for the rest of the night, I was invited to a farewell party (the second in a fairly short timeframe as my sister has only left 2 weeks ago or so). I suspected that the crowd was going to be mixed, but what I saw was more than what I expected: 30 gay guys and 4 women. By the end of the night, only 2 of us girls remained and I saved our reputation by dancing the whole night and not badly! People were sweet, they greeted me, asked me how I knew the host and most importantly, danced with me. There was one guy who did modern dances, the other was a ballet dancer and teacher and I danced with everyone who had the tiniest inclination to involve me in music and movement. I am not sure why gay parties are much nicer than straight ones - if there is ever such - but it might have to do with them not trying to become alpha males when they gather into a hoard, being willing to dance and baking fantastic cakes, which I never have the energy and willpower to do.

I decided to come home by public transport, which took an hour and even though I almost fell asleep on the bus, the walk and the wait did do a good service for sobering up. I was in bed by 5 - alone of course, because Jani was at one of his friends' party in Tök ('Pumpkin') and even though I expected him home midway through the night the latest and he got home at 8 am. Some things don't change. Let's hope that some others do. Of course, I spent half the day sleeping.

Qué más?

Work: it's going well, luckily, having a great relationship with a client for which I am the main point of contact (and since then we have been the number one suppliers, yay), overperforming my target and preparing for the toughest part of the year: the end.

Friends: seeing, meeting quite a couple of them and also spending quite some time with my team not only during work hours. I gained a couple of new ones as well, especially because I still keep in touch with people from The Client's HR.

Family: my sister is gone and I still hasn't got the chance to talk with her, although she did write to me. Mom seems to have become a salsa addict, connecting well with Jani in this respect, and Béla bácsi and I are forming the opposition, arguing for what I would name something like a 'balanced life perspective' if I were a scholar.

Holidays: 2 days spent at the Balaton. I still have 12 days of holidays for the year, which I better use and not let get lost!

And I'm 26!

Last chance

Monday evening, I went biking with Jani, we brought a bottle of wine along, bought a pizza and a bottle of coke and then sat down on a bench in a park to eat. He said I was right. That his behavior has been completely inappropriate and he understands that this is not the way things should go.
- Have you talked to Zsuzsa?
- No, why?
- Then who told you this, who convinced you?
- Can I not come to this conclusion myself?
- Well... after 3 years...
- No, this is what I think.
- Or do you feel that this is your last chance?
- Yes, I guess I do.

I don't usually write about bad stuff, or at least I try not to. And apart from the fact that I have very little time, this is the primary reason why I have not been posting anything here for a while, or only sporadically. I don't feel it would be fair to write about how my relationship is dysfunctional. But it dominates my life and I am quite unhappy, that is the truth.